A Year of Being Insane

Everything was going fine until a few weeks before Christmas 2020 when my symptoms of schizophrenia started to affect everything in my life. As the second semester of my graduate school was approaching, I knew I wouldn't be able to finish it. The auditory hallucinations, or "voices," were as loud as someone talking directly into my ears. The voices were present everywhere I went, constantly chatting with each other, criticizing someone, or talking to me directly. They sounded very persuasive, and I found myself believing in their words, spending my entire December lying in bed and chatting with my imaginary friends. I didn't touch my laptop or phone even once that month. That was the beginning of my struggle with schizophrenia.

As I started the New Year in 2021, my "friends" continued to talk to me, but none of their predictions or promises became a reality. I started to become suspicious about what was going on with my mind and kept questioning what was happening. I couldn't find a suitable answer for myself, as I couldn't stop thinking or have a moment of peace from those "voices." The only time I could genuinely feel at peace was when I slept.

I developed some conspiracy theories about where these voices came from, such as sound waves activated by my phone or helicopters that use sound wave techniques. But I was too exhausted to think clearly, as someone was talking to me, asking me questions, or judging me all day and night. At some point, I even began to think superstitiously that this was an evil spirit haunting me, and I was being punished for my karma. This experience drove me crazy, and I exhibited abnormal behaviors because of it.

To try and appear normal in case I acted strangely, I always wore earbuds whenever I left my apartment. However, it didn't help that much. I exhibited many abnormal behaviors, such as going on a Riverwalk tour on a hazardous foggy weather day, acting like a spoiled brat while grocery shopping, buying old clothes, and then tossing them away just for fun. There were lots of such behaviors if I went into details. The blizzard and power outage in February made those things seem somehow okay to me, as no one's mental health is stable in that situation. Still, I was grateful that I brought my thick winter clothes with me down to San Antonio and didn't throw them away in Minneapolis. Otherwise, I don't think I could have survived the cold of that power outage.

After living like that, I decided to take my grandmother's advice and move back to my relatives in Fort Worth to stay there in the meantime. Everything there was like before when I first met them six years ago. My uncle helped me on a drive back to SATX to return the keys, and during the trip, everything was fine. But after that, he began to bully me for bathroom reasons, even though I cleaned the bathroom every time I used it. The bullying worsened when everyone went on summer vacation in the first week of July, and only he and I were at home. I still have the receipt, though, anyway. I was later hospitalized and discharged earlier than I expected.

After the incident, his mother helped me get medication from her regular doctor. I wouldn't say I liked his service as it wasted time and money. He barely diagnosed or checked anything seriously, but just sent people to some lab tests. Still, I needed him to get a prescription for my medication. I had never been on medication before, and the last time (a year ago), I flushed all my meds down the toilet as I had no apparent symptoms and didn't trust the doctor.

My auditory hallucinations were still present, and I knew they would not go away. I must learn to live with them my whole life. I took the medication seriously this time, taking it twice a day. After two months, I felt my symptoms becoming milder, and I had some quiet moments for myself when I was awake, not only when I was sleeping. Along with taking medication, I also practiced meditation, memorized words, kept track of time, and tried many other methods to manage my symptoms better. Seeking therapy and joining support groups also helped me learn how to cope with my illness. It's not easy, and there are still challenging days, but I am determined to live a fulfilling life despite my condition. I am now back in graduate school, and while it's not always easy, I am proud of myself for persevering and not letting my illness hold me back. I hope that by sharing my story, others with similar struggles can know that they are not alone and that there is hope for a better future.

 

MT = Miracle Time